As most of you know I have been dealing with anxiety. It is gradually getting better, but at one point it was extremely debilitating. During these last six weeks, God has revealed so much to me. Last week I went to a Restoring the Foundation Class. It is where 2 people minister to you to get rid of the sins in our past, family’s past, etc. I have found so much healing in this. During the very first day one of the ministers asked me if there was anything I was ashamed of that I would not share. Well, I immediately thought she meant to them and I said “No, I want to heal so I am willing to share everything with you guys”. She said “No, is there anything that you don’t want to share with others?” and I immediately knew the answer was Yes. You see, for almost 19 years I have had something that I am so ashamed of. Something that even though I have asked for forgiveness from God, I have never let it go. Over the last 6 months to year God has been convicting me that he wants me to share with others ~ to encourage others ~ and for others to know we can have victory over any sin we have committed by His mercy and grace. Most of you know I am transparent. I don’t want to pretend like I am something that I am not and one of the main reasons why I have shared my struggle with anxiety. I have always thought if I can encourage one person, then I did what God wanted me to do. BUT this was the ONE thing I have hid behind. The ONE thing I did not want anyone to know. There was shame in it (BUT no more because after my class I NOW HAVE COMPLETE VICTORY BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS). I am certain many of you will be shocked, but what I know is every Saint has a past and every Sinner has a Future ~ there are NO EXCEPTIONS. We are all human and we have all fallen short. None of us deserve His mercy or grace, but it is given freely to each of us that ask for it. I have asked for it for years, but never fully received it, last week I DID!! God then began convicting me that I needed to share with others. Thursday on my way to Proclaim FM they were talking about Michael W. Smith and his drug and alcohol abuse and how his testimony now is so strong. Another affirmation from God that yes, it was time. BUT again I tried to reason with God why I wasn’t ready to share it yet. God clearly told me TODAY was the day so I am being obedient. It is part of my testimony and has shaped me into who I am today. My mess has become God’s message for my life. Thank you Jesus!
April 13, 1996, Jamie and I had an abortion (gasp). It hurts to even type this, but I have hid behind this mask for too long. I could minimize and give every excuse in the book why we chose that, but none of that matters. I have hurt and cried for many years because of this decision. I have felt unworthy and a number of other emotions I never realized I had until going through the RTF (Restoring The Foundation Class). But this is the way Satan uses our sins to make us feel we are unworthy. On April 13, 1997, exactly one year later, we had a miscarriage. What are the chances of that? So again, Satan took that sin and magnified it (as if it could be any worse). A few years later I took an Evangelism Explosion Class and shared my testimony with the Minister about giving my life to Christ at 5, and how I had held on to the guilt of the abortion for many years, but wanted to accept God’s forgiveness and he told me not to share that part (the abortion) while evangelizing to others. So again, reminding me of just How bad Satan wanted me to feel. The shame I felt was unbearable at times, especially when it came time for Sanctity of Life Sunday. Jamie and I always sat in the back and cried our eyes out, feeling horrible. We counseled with our Pastor from McCord Road Christian Church and I was amazed at the unconditional love he showed to us. He prayed many times with us and always encouraged us about God’s mercy and Grace. One of the main reasons why we are such huge advocates of adoption is because these women chose life. You see with an abortion you can hid and not share with others, but with a pregnancy people watch a baby grow in your belly and then know you gave that child up for adoption. Knowing many will form judgement on them. They chose life knowing many would know of their decision of adoption; such an unselfish act.
April 13th was always a very emotional day for us as we both mourned, but then the healing began. On April 13, 2002 my dad gave his life to Christ. Yes, he accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. We were so thankful for that wonderful gift. Then April 28th, we went and met with the birth parents of Jadyn to see if they would allow us to adopt her. They agreed and we never asked what her birthday was until the next day. I am certain you can guess her Birthday – April 13!! God is sooooo good. He was showing us over and over that we were forgiven, but we were not receiving it. Two years ago, Jamie and I went to a healing service and both asked for forgiveness to each other as we both were still holding on to resentment. It was very powerful and we both felt a huge weight lifted from us, BUT I still did not receive the forgiveness from God. I still cringed every time I heard someone speak about abortion. I didn’t ever want anyone to know I had one, what would they think of me? Would they judge me? What I learned last week is God is my judge and my jury and He HAS Forgiven me already by dying on the cross for me. He knows my heart. He knows how very sorry I am, he knows the shame I have felt, but he doesn’t want me to live in Shame, rather in Victory. Let the healing begin by his love, grace, and mercy. I also received a vision of Jesus standing by my head during the abortion holding the baby and it was a girl. God revealed that he wants me to share my mess as this is His message and in that is VICTORY! Rather than shame, I should feel freedom, wholeness, and forgiveness. Satan is who wants me to live in shame and not heal. I have received God’s forgiveness. I have received his grace and mercy and I am ready to share HIS message now. If one person can be encouraged by what I am sharing. If one life can be changed. If one person chooses life over abortion. If one person gets rid of shame and accepts forgiveness, then I did what God wanted me to do. I know what I did was wrong, but I cannot live in the past, I have to turn the next chapter of the book and that is to show others just how good God is.
I know I may lose followers after this and that is okay. God will take care of me and my family – he is faithful in all things and at all times. I am exhausted from hiding behind the mask of shame, and wanted to be transparent with all of you. I love you all and truly hope this will encourage you to know that God is in the business of Healing, Forgiveness, and Restoration. If you have something you are not receiving His forgiveness for, meditate on it and pray. Don’t let satan steal what God has planned for your life. Don’t beat yourself up over the sins you have made, rather go to the creator and let him start healing you TODAY!! Love you all more than you know!! I am healed by the blood of Jesus :-)
GOD IS GOOD. . . ALL THE TIME!!
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